I turned in my first college applications this month! It's a great feeling. I've somehow managed to separate myself from my academic life, in a way. I don't allow school to stress me out anymore, since I know I've got it covered!! I think it's a pretty great development.
I wrote back to all my penpals the first night of winter break. Also another great relief! I hope they're not peeved that I took forever, school and life just got totally crazy. Work, too. I can't believe sitting in a chair for so long makes me feel so drained and icky and gross. I think it has to do with the dryness of the room and the flourescents. It's a good cold-weather job. I hope I can find a job with a little more human interaction for the summer time: not only will I save up some pocket money for college, but hopefully it will also get rid of that little anxiety problem I have. It's just been pretty hard for me to loosen up and act like a normal person sometimes. I'm sure if I just put myself in that uncomfortable position of being a server, or some job dealing with people, I will thicken up my skin a bit.
the male gaze (the performance of femininity)
Why is it that walking from one class to the next feels like a grand performance? Every person I pass will have a different view of me. It's almost like I submit to our roles: them as the watcher and myself, the object. I could chalk it up to the heavy Leo placements but I'm not sure if all my readers will be cool with that. From my rudimentary perspective, it's almost like I've been conditioned to look pretty and presentable from such a young age that I've accepted that it's the first thing people look for, or at. Of course, I know this probably isn't true... but is it? Everyone knows that "pretty privilege" is a thing, so maybe this whole thing is a reflection of my fears of being judged by appearance before I can speak for myself. The point is, I'm trying to chill out when it comes to pressing my navel to my spine, brushing my hair out of my face when a cutie walks by, and twirling my pencil in my fingers not entirely for myself. I'll leave you with this quote that stirred up my thinking on the subject and also wraps it up well:
"Even pretending you aren't catering to male fantasies is a male fantasy: pretending you're unseen, pretending you have a life of your own, that you can wash your feet and comb your hair unconscious of the ever-present watcher peering through the keyhole, peering through the keyhole in your own head, if nowhere else. You are a woman with a man inside watching a woman. You are your own voyeur."
- Margaret Atwood, The Robber Bride
thanksgiving
I had the most wonderful Thanksgiving. We had vegetable pulao and fish fry and chicken curry and bean thoran. I made some pumpkin blondies that were done baking at the perfect time, so we had a warm dessert topped with ice cream. I wonder if I'll be home for next Thanksgiving. I'll miss my parents a lot at college, but a part of me just want to throw myself in this crazy situation where I'm forced to figure everything out on my own. Not to go all Lady Bird on you, but I'm so tired of seeing this same suburb for 14 years. I can't even remember the last time I left it. Anyways, Thanksgiving was awesome. We finished the day by watching the movie Ghost with Demi Moore and her cute haircut. Thanksgiving was a wonderful ending to an otherwise stressful month.
media of the month
- every single collab between the weeknd and gessafelstein: I Was Never There, Hurt You, and Lost in the Fire. Abel's voice and Gessafelstein's synth heavy tracks just work together to make some of the most sultry, intense songs. They remind me of leather interiors and watches with big faces.
- Bridget Jones's Diary. British humor is understated, but so, so funny! Renee Zellweger's British accent is so great, too. I can't believe she's not British. This movie was a real treat--I love how our protagonist was clumsy and naive. We can't be girlbosses 100% of the time now, can we?
thank you so much for reading. don't forget to rake up those leaves outside!